someone-not-me

i know this is wrong. i know it all along. i know i am not suppose to feel this way, let alone to write it down. even the thought should never cross my mind but i just can't keep it inside. not anymore. right now i am all fired up. i can feel everything in this house become so quite and the tense is floating in the air, filling up the atmosphere. he is the one who bring along the tension with him. yesterday was the beginning of this drama. yesterday was the first day i saw him in the house before the midnite since i began my holiday. but that's not the story. when he started to nag about things he shouldn't be, to be cynical over stuff he pretended he cared for, spilled his unreasonable anger at my baby brother, that's the time he hit my boiling point. i hated for acting and feeling this way. i know i am not suppose to be like this. but blame the hard times he has put me in. for all the misery he had placed me to live with. for all the hatred he had succeed to make me feel.i always, always has a soft way when dealing with the elders. but when it comes to him,i know i am the lousiest child. dear god, please take all this hatred away. it don't feel right for me. how can i feel this to someone like him? i can't change the fact, but at least please change my heart. vanish all the memories that are stuck here in my mind. please.. For goodness sake, I have try my very bestest to make the situation less complicated. Indeed I’ve tried to look at him with new look, not being judgmental again but i can hold on no more. i can't wait to fly away, take my mama and my lil brothers with me. i promised them i'll do everything within my capacity for their happiness. they deserve to be like others. they should never feel deserted nor left behind. i am here, for them. when i look around me, i see lovely faces. when i look at my friends' family i feel touched. why am i different? i know i should be thankful, but can i ask, why does it happening to us? i still remember my childhood days, when i used to be by his side. i slept with him every night because i feel afraid when the lights turned off. how can someone so dear can turn into something like this? i need to change, but someone please tell me why. give me one solid reason for this action. rationale me. i know this is wrong.i am wrong because it don't feel so good. i feel like i am someone else. indeed this is not me. syahifa ain't anything like this. urghhh :(