Could things be more worse than now?

The answer is simple, YES.
Yes, things can be more worse than what they are now in so many ways.
One of it was knowing your dad doesn't wants to come to your convocation day.
Frustrating, yes.
Maddening, yes.
Troublesome, yes.

My life is upside down, Absolute YES.

Things could be worse, but I will not give up.




:)

dah habis dah meroyan kau?

Haish.

Malu aku dengan diri sendirik. hah tahu pun kan.
Sesal dahulu pendapatan, sesal meroyan tiada gunanyeewww.

Semalam, hari yang meroyan. Pergi keje tak bermekap. Ha'ah, kalau kulit muke licin bak telur rebus org kawin yang dikupas tak mengapalah juga. Ini? Nan hadooooo. Habis semua students lepas sorg sorg tanye, Miss, kenapa tak pakai eyeliner harini Miss. Ah sibuk lah kau. **padahal malu. Nampak sangat bergantung harap dgn eyeliner tebal nk bg mate kurang sepet. Cehhh **

Untunglah..... ada tunang yang tak makan royan. Kut aku dapat jenis yang hambik hati ke, hambik serius ke ape2 yg aku cakap, dah sudahhhhh. Makin meroyan lah gamaknya.

Jadi, tamatlah episod meroyanku yang disudahi dengan tundingan jari ke arah PMS.
Biasalah, takkan aku emo tak memasalkan? Sila salahkan PMS ye kawan2. Har har har

**dasar tak terima kesalahan sendirik**


Nota untuk aku:
Bye Cikpah. Jangan kau meroyan lagi.

repekan yang tidak berasas.

Haish.

Pening lagi memeningkan. Sedih lagi menyedihkan.
Celaru bukan?

For some reasons I know not acceptable at all, I feel so demoralized. I have been living my live so melancholy I know I should be punished. I always believe that life is like a roller coaster. This period of time, mine was at the very bottom of the track. Everything is going drastically down. I hate this.

I should wake up and slap myself.
I should scream to make sure I don't waste any tear.
I should stop and just stare at the wonder life can offer.
I should stand up like I always do.
I should do justice to myself, and to others too.


I want to stop being like this.
I despise the fact that I do not have control over my own emotions.
And I hate to blame the bloody hormones for messing up with my moods.
I should, and I ought to be in control.
Damn you, PMS.

I hope by writing these rants, I could let it go. I could stop thinking and let it pass me by.
Being a vocal person has its edge. This is my disadvantage; I can't keep things to myself. I have to make my point clear and my stand heard. Selfish. Self-centered. That's me that I know..


THE TOP 5 REASONS WHY I FEEL SO MISERABLE.

5. I HAVE TURNED 23 AND ITS AWFUL.

Stupid like I was, I have let this became one of the factor to affect my day(s). I am so used to attention and lots and lots of pampers, this year it felt so empty. Why? Because it was empty. I feel it that way. I know this view of mine will hurt and offend some people but sorry, this is again, what I feel. I feel insignificant. I feel like I don't worth your attention anymore. I don't worth to be remembered. Silly me. But, its what i felt. I don't need this insecurity issues on the top of my long-list problems.

Could you help to make my day a little bit easier? **emotional queen thus enters the stage**

4. UNFINISHED BUSINESS.

I HATE YOU WHOEVER THAT HAS ILLEGALLY LEAKED OUT THE MIDNIGHT SUN'S DRAFT, BROKE STEPHANIE MEYER'S HEART AND THUS MAKING THE COMPLETION OF THE BOOK ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE. Could you do something more worse that this brutal torture you have inflicted on me? A sudden stop after a very nice journey is indeed not a pleasant thing. I know I'm taking my risk to read made-known unfinished story but .......... ergh it is unbearable for me to feel sad. Extremely sad. To know Edward from Bella's and Jacob's perspective is one thing. I thank Stephanie for inventing Edward and introduce him to my life. But, to know the story from Edward himself is something so special. And having to stop knowing him is ..... is... is just a crime. **Lunatic**

I had actually wrote a letter to Stephanie asking her to continue writing.
Silly silly silly big girl.

Edward, I know feel like you really exists. If you do, please read my loud mental voice and search for me. Or leave me your contact number, at least. **double lunatic. Moron**


3. TRAGEDIES AND COMEDIES.

I had too much consumption of tragedy that it has turned out to be somehow a comedy to me. Not in humorous way, of course. One after another, back to back. For each and every tragedy I have to face it up front, stand still and survive. I am human, mortal, with all qualities that made me vulnerable.


I feel like nothing can make this more worse, as it so worse already. At this specific time, I need a helping hand, and sometimes I feel like the hand has already tired helping me.
I feel left out. I feel insignificant.

I always build my strength by absorbing it from people around me. I survive because of you, you and you. I have the courage and motivation from you. From my loved ones. But how could I borrow some of yours, when I know it is not even being offered.

You will definitely say that I misinterpreted the action, I misunderstand the situation. Again, this is what I feel. I feel left out. I feel insignificant.

**insecure kid**

2. WEDDING PANIC/STRESS/ALLTHEUNNECESSARYFEELING.

My wedding day is only 4 months away. 4 months. With the current running speed that Mr. Time has been doing now, 4 months are not that 'away'. Its just around the corner. And with that short time, there are lots of things remain not started yet.

Not started yet is one thing. Wanted to start but have to cancel/postpone/alter because have to give way to other plan is wholly another thing. It is upsetting. If we have medicine specially designed to cure upset stomach, is there any remedy for an upset heart?

Sometimes (especially at this very moment, affected by this bloody-i-hate-you PMS) I feel so tired just to stay positive. I seriously thinking or retreating. I want to retreat. But I know I can't.
I know I will regret thinking this way one day.

I am hating myself for even thinking to give up. But I feel like giving up. When I think about the reasons why I feel like quitting, the tendency to give up becoming more potent.. because I feel left out. I feel insignificant.

1. BEFORE YOU RUIN MY DAY (again), COULD YOU PLEASE FIND ANOTHER DAY TO PISS ME OFF, MR/MS MISERABLE?

Its like all of the bad things with the extreme possibilities to sway my mood easily had have to happen now. As in NOW. Its like some force has instructed all of them to attack me all at once, its now or never. Hurry, put that girl in misery!! hah, camtu lah. Sedih aku, Maria.

I have consumed too much tragedies, too much pain, too much sadness I have no more energy left to fight.

You'd say I have you. But this time, I don't want to try to see.
I will not be looking for your helping hand.
I will not be deriving my strength from you.
I will not try to stand.
I will not try to suppress this feeling.
I am sad.
I feel left out.
I feel insignificant.


At the beginning, I thought by saying it (not so out loud, due to its written form), I would feel better. But now, as I'm about to finish, I feel more sad. Indeed not a wise thing to do now. The hormones have succeeded in playing with my emotions, double up every single ounce of feeling that I felt now.

Sorry that I hurt you by being hurt like this.
Sorry that I behave in such a way you don't think its my character.
Sorry that I feel this way and how my way has made you feel bad.


NOTE TO SELF.
you will get over this, like you always did. i do believe in you.
you and your capability to heal.
make me proud by proving me right.
**wink**