Sunday, October 2, 2011

Could things be more worse than now?

The answer is simple, YES.
Yes, things can be more worse than what they are now in so many ways.
One of it was knowing your dad doesn't wants to come to your convocation day.
Frustrating, yes.
Maddening, yes.
Troublesome, yes.

My life is upside down, Absolute YES.

Things could be worse, but I will not give up.


Wednesday, September 28, 2011

dah habis dah meroyan kau?


Malu aku dengan diri sendirik. hah tahu pun kan.
Sesal dahulu pendapatan, sesal meroyan tiada gunanyeewww.

Semalam, hari yang meroyan. Pergi keje tak bermekap. Ha'ah, kalau kulit muke licin bak telur rebus org kawin yang dikupas tak mengapalah juga. Ini? Nan hadooooo. Habis semua students lepas sorg sorg tanye, Miss, kenapa tak pakai eyeliner harini Miss. Ah sibuk lah kau. **padahal malu. Nampak sangat bergantung harap dgn eyeliner tebal nk bg mate kurang sepet. Cehhh **

Untunglah..... ada tunang yang tak makan royan. Kut aku dapat jenis yang hambik hati ke, hambik serius ke ape2 yg aku cakap, dah sudahhhhh. Makin meroyan lah gamaknya.

Jadi, tamatlah episod meroyanku yang disudahi dengan tundingan jari ke arah PMS.
Biasalah, takkan aku emo tak memasalkan? Sila salahkan PMS ye kawan2. Har har har

**dasar tak terima kesalahan sendirik**

Nota untuk aku:
Bye Cikpah. Jangan kau meroyan lagi.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

repekan yang tidak berasas.


Pening lagi memeningkan. Sedih lagi menyedihkan.
Celaru bukan?

For some reasons I know not acceptable at all, I feel so demoralized. I have been living my live so melancholy I know I should be punished. I always believe that life is like a roller coaster. This period of time, mine was at the very bottom of the track. Everything is going drastically down. I hate this.

I should wake up and slap myself.
I should scream to make sure I don't waste any tear.
I should stop and just stare at the wonder life can offer.
I should stand up like I always do.
I should do justice to myself, and to others too.

I want to stop being like this.
I despise the fact that I do not have control over my own emotions.
And I hate to blame the bloody hormones for messing up with my moods.
I should, and I ought to be in control.
Damn you, PMS.

I hope by writing these rants, I could let it go. I could stop thinking and let it pass me by.
Being a vocal person has its edge. This is my disadvantage; I can't keep things to myself. I have to make my point clear and my stand heard. Selfish. Self-centered. That's me that I know..



Stupid like I was, I have let this became one of the factor to affect my day(s). I am so used to attention and lots and lots of pampers, this year it felt so empty. Why? Because it was empty. I feel it that way. I know this view of mine will hurt and offend some people but sorry, this is again, what I feel. I feel insignificant. I feel like I don't worth your attention anymore. I don't worth to be remembered. Silly me. But, its what i felt. I don't need this insecurity issues on the top of my long-list problems.

Could you help to make my day a little bit easier? **emotional queen thus enters the stage**


I HATE YOU WHOEVER THAT HAS ILLEGALLY LEAKED OUT THE MIDNIGHT SUN'S DRAFT, BROKE STEPHANIE MEYER'S HEART AND THUS MAKING THE COMPLETION OF THE BOOK ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE. Could you do something more worse that this brutal torture you have inflicted on me? A sudden stop after a very nice journey is indeed not a pleasant thing. I know I'm taking my risk to read made-known unfinished story but .......... ergh it is unbearable for me to feel sad. Extremely sad. To know Edward from Bella's and Jacob's perspective is one thing. I thank Stephanie for inventing Edward and introduce him to my life. But, to know the story from Edward himself is something so special. And having to stop knowing him is ..... is... is just a crime. **Lunatic**

I had actually wrote a letter to Stephanie asking her to continue writing.
Silly silly silly big girl.

Edward, I know feel like you really exists. If you do, please read my loud mental voice and search for me. Or leave me your contact number, at least. **double lunatic. Moron**


I had too much consumption of tragedy that it has turned out to be somehow a comedy to me. Not in humorous way, of course. One after another, back to back. For each and every tragedy I have to face it up front, stand still and survive. I am human, mortal, with all qualities that made me vulnerable.

I feel like nothing can make this more worse, as it so worse already. At this specific time, I need a helping hand, and sometimes I feel like the hand has already tired helping me.
I feel left out. I feel insignificant.

I always build my strength by absorbing it from people around me. I survive because of you, you and you. I have the courage and motivation from you. From my loved ones. But how could I borrow some of yours, when I know it is not even being offered.

You will definitely say that I misinterpreted the action, I misunderstand the situation. Again, this is what I feel. I feel left out. I feel insignificant.

**insecure kid**


My wedding day is only 4 months away. 4 months. With the current running speed that Mr. Time has been doing now, 4 months are not that 'away'. Its just around the corner. And with that short time, there are lots of things remain not started yet.

Not started yet is one thing. Wanted to start but have to cancel/postpone/alter because have to give way to other plan is wholly another thing. It is upsetting. If we have medicine specially designed to cure upset stomach, is there any remedy for an upset heart?

Sometimes (especially at this very moment, affected by this bloody-i-hate-you PMS) I feel so tired just to stay positive. I seriously thinking or retreating. I want to retreat. But I know I can't.
I know I will regret thinking this way one day.

I am hating myself for even thinking to give up. But I feel like giving up. When I think about the reasons why I feel like quitting, the tendency to give up becoming more potent.. because I feel left out. I feel insignificant.


Its like all of the bad things with the extreme possibilities to sway my mood easily had have to happen now. As in NOW. Its like some force has instructed all of them to attack me all at once, its now or never. Hurry, put that girl in misery!! hah, camtu lah. Sedih aku, Maria.

I have consumed too much tragedies, too much pain, too much sadness I have no more energy left to fight.

You'd say I have you. But this time, I don't want to try to see.
I will not be looking for your helping hand.
I will not be deriving my strength from you.
I will not try to stand.
I will not try to suppress this feeling.
I am sad.
I feel left out.
I feel insignificant.

At the beginning, I thought by saying it (not so out loud, due to its written form), I would feel better. But now, as I'm about to finish, I feel more sad. Indeed not a wise thing to do now. The hormones have succeeded in playing with my emotions, double up every single ounce of feeling that I felt now.

Sorry that I hurt you by being hurt like this.
Sorry that I behave in such a way you don't think its my character.
Sorry that I feel this way and how my way has made you feel bad.

you will get over this, like you always did. i do believe in you.
you and your capability to heal.
make me proud by proving me right.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

penunggu malam.

Saya sah seorang hantu. Eh tak, sy nak ckp sy sah seekor burung hantu. Eh bukan juga. Sy mane ada ekor.jadi…ayat yg betulnya ialah: Sy seorang burung hantu. Sy seorang orang tapi dlm masa yg sama sy memiliki perwatakan yg agak similar dgn burung hantu. Ye, betul tu. Sy tak main2. Kenapa? Sbb sekarang jam kat laptop sy yg super accurate ni menunjukkan pukul 4.06 pagi waktu tempatan dan TADAAAA… sy masih belum tidur. Huhu sudah beberapa minggu begini. Sy pun tak pasti kenapa. Mata cuma tidak mahu lelap.. tak mengapalah.. mari buat karangan ringkas mengenai apa yg terjadi pada hari ini. Sy mahu submit pada lecturer, mana tahu boleh tambah markah aktiviti luar kelas ke. (as if such thing does exist. ) hmm. Sy mulakan hari dgn sarapan dan kemudian sy telah membuat penipuan kecil-kecilan untuk memancing Kak N menemani sy ke bangunan KAED. Bukan apa, kak N bakal mendirikan rumah yg belum tentu ada tangga tidak lama lagi. Jadi sy berhasrat untuk melontarkan sebuah parti orang2 bujang khas untuk beliau. Dan tujuan sy ke KAED yg bagi sy merupakan sebuah bangunan yg misteri adalah untuk bertemu dengan rakan2 Kak N yg sama2 menjayakan rancangan bernas sy ini. Segalanya berjalan dgn lancar walaupun kak N sebenarnya tak rasa tertipu dan surprise langsung dgn kejutan yg sy buat. Ceh. Takde feeling betul. Mungkin ini mmg sindrom asas pra-perkahwinan kot. Kemudian kami ke café untuk mengisi masa lapang dan mungkin juga boleh mengisi kantung usus yg telah kosong.. Perut tak la minta diisi tapi sy sgt2 la inginkn tembikai laici yg lazat. Jadi tanpa segan silu sy pun order la…makcik café tu dah wat muke pelik. Sy pun lagi la pelik. Apakah yg pelik sgt dgn air yg sy baru order itu? Sy pelik makcik tu wat muke pelik seolah2 air tembikai laici sgt pelik dan anih lagi janggal. “ maaflah dik.kami jual air biasa je.tembikai2 ni takde” Ooooo… I see! Lantas sy pun tukar untuk minum air “biasa” yakni segelas milo es. Huuu tanpa sy sedari, sy telah secara tidak langsung menyentuh sensitivity makcik itu yg hanya menjual air biasa.seolah2 air tembikai merupakan air minuman yg exotic dan bukan tergolong dlm ketegori Aku Wanita Biasa – Kris Dayanti. Selepas penat dibuli oleh kakak2 yg kijam itu sy pun ke kelas yg super lama. Aiya….3 jam non stop meh. Kalah org main Farmville kat facebook tu pun tak selame ini. punye la lame kelas….tak tau nk wat ape dah selain dengar je la ape cikgu ckp. Iskkk lepas kelas sy terus pulang dan kemudian makan malam dan kemudian ke klinik berjumpa doctor. Ye la… takkan g klinik beli ikan pulak kan.. hmm apa sakit sy? Tak…sy takla jumpe doctor sbb sy sakit hati. Tapi ade kaitan la dgn anggota tubuh badan. Ape? E-A-R. masalah sy berkaitan dengan sepasang telinga yg bukan capang tetapi comey2 manje gitu. sy asik dengar bunyi mcm mane ek, mcm kalau kite bakar lalang kering kn, pastu api tu mcm membakar dlm diam gitu. Senyap, pilu tapi terbakar. Bunyi cip cip dah mcm bunyi ank ayam la plak kan. Argh tak kesah la. Asalkan sy rs pelik. Sebenarnya, rongga dalaman telinga sy telah membengkak bak kate puan dokter.. Sy tak la tau apakah nama saintifik untuk perkara ini tapi ni la yg sy paham.Oh mengapa terjadi? Sebab, sy mempunyai tabiat yg sengal. Sy sgt suka korek telinga. Kalau anda mengenali seseorang yg pekak sbb dia malas nk korek telinga, sy terbalik. Ooo baru sy tau mane la kite boleh bersihkan telinga tu hari2. sy ingt selagi ada kotoran kuning2 langsat kat cottonbud tu makne nye telinga sy kotor la. Dah name pun tahi telinga kan..jd dgn logic nye sy pun bersihkan...oleh kerana itu, sy telah berjaya di cas sebanyak RM85.00 oleh tuan punya klinik. ha? Sbb korek telinga hari2 pun kene bayar byk ni? Boleh tgk citer Shrek 4 – happily ever after 5x kot! Selamat la company abah keje yg bayarkan. Hehe maaf lah ye..lain kali tak buat dah ~ sy janji pas ni sy malaskn diri nak wat rutin ni. Kalau tak boleh jugak mungkin sy boleh offer diri untuk besihkan telinga org yg berlainan setiap hari. Tapi, pikir kali ke-2, arghhh. Geli kot. Tak mau la dah. Baik sy main scrabble. Boleh juga menjana minda. Ok la nak hentikan repekan yg mengarut ni, tata.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

what becomes us?

what are you?
what are you when the door is closing in.
you can't hide from your own feeling.
what are you when the wall you built is crumbling down?
can you even holding on?
what are you when there is nothing to pretend?
nothing to be kept in silence and nothing to be ashamed.
there is nothing like perfectly perfect.
there is no such thing as in no defect.
i need no hero to save me.
i need no Hulk to lift me up.
i need no superman to make me fly.
i need a man.
a real one.

stop being a perfect guy and start being a human, for me.
feel free to be you.

lots of <3.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

sunday morning

the clock shows 7.05 in the morning and here I am, with eyes wide open staring at the monitor. i just had my caffeinated drink and ready to rock. wuhuuuuu ~ today is Sunday and it suppose to be the day to laze around but, for a student who have a bucket full of assignments like me, i shall have no attempt to be lazy at all. never mind facebook-ing and blogging. hehe (im exaggerating now) currently I'm working my best to finish up two major assignments ( which were actually my only assignments for the whole semester. wow, i just realized that now but why on earth both two aren't done yet?) I feel kinda empty this weekend. my roommates had gone for a camping at Tanjung Malim for three days and the fact that some of them are not used to the extremeness of camping before, I am 'lil bit worried for them. but they'll be fine. they're doing just good, i know that. I used to be addicted to camps during my teenage days. i still remember how Abah had warned me to choose, whether to be a girly girl or change my gender. hahaha now, Abah has no need to be worry at all, due to certain reasons I stop myself for the outdoor kind of activities.being covered under the roof all the time, no extreme training, no marching with the sun directly boils my brain, no sunburn, no M16. Its funny to think that i used to be doing that. (and I'm pretty good at it)
last Tuesday we were having Pre-registration day for the next semester and its weird. its totally so weird to think that my friends and I are actually going to be the 4th year students. Final Year students! oh I wonder how it feels like when there is no semester left. no more classes. no boring lectures (and super good ones like Dr. Kopanski's class). Indeed, I'll be missing Dr. Kopanski's non stop talking and random facts about animals. i love his addiction to maps and his love to history.Historia Magistra Vitae Est! he had influenced my in certain ways also. I'll be that rocking historian just like you , sir. one fine day I'll be one...just like you. okay. now i am sooooo excited to finish up my Plato-Aristotle assignments. hope the time will be nice and mowing slowly for me today.
things to be done :
assignments - Plato vs Aristotle
NATO and its role during post Cold War.
get ready for final. (start on 23th March)
(why suddenly I can't think of anything that I need to pay my attention to ? I feel like I have tons of must-do thingy and this is all that I can come out with... *sigh*~~

note to self :
stop drink coffee.
you had too much until the caffeine does not make you caffeinated anymore.

loves.... <3

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

repekan seorang syahifa.

huargh lame sgt dah x berblog. rase nye mmg syahifa dan teknologi tidak dapat berjalan seiringan dan berpimpin tangan. masih lagi menulis diari di dalam buku seperti waktu dahulu. huhuhu habit yang sangatlah tak dapat dikikis. herm... banyak benda yang jadi kebelakangan ni tapi susah untuk diringkaskan dalam satu perenggan. mungkin perlu menjadi pencuri masa yang sejati barulah terlaksana impian murni itu. angah dah kahwin! dah lama sgt sebenarnya tapi tak sempat nak cerita. nanti2 lah, bila cuti boleh tulis lebih sikit. sem baru, tahun baru..... banyak azam yang perlu dipastikan tercapai..sedar tak sedar dah nak mula midterm exam pun....huhu perjalanan sebagai student yang semakin hampir ke garisan penamat. tak tahu apa sebabnya, malam ni macam melankolik sedikit. mungkin effect dari kelas Dr. Kopanski tadi..meluap2 rasa nak sambung Masters di bumi Eropah. (macam ayat dalam novel plak) ngehehe :D kegilaan terhadap peta dunia juga makin kronik. tapi kegilaan ini berhasil apabila dianugerahkan 2 markah tambahan kerana mempunyai koleksi peta yang banyak dan cantik. (thanks to mr. iqbal) tapi ironinya, masih juga gagal mengesan koordinasi jalan di sejkitar gombak dan lembah klang. huuuu mengapalah susah sgt nak hafal jalan yang dah beribu kali lalu?
esok ada kuiz international relations, jadi tidak boleh membebel panjang. harus pulang dan study. sebelum pergi, mahu senaraikan azam tahun baru (harap2 belum tersangat lambat untuk buat begini)


1) Dean's List. 3.5 and above.
2) Lose weight, gain flat stomach.
3) Savings.
4) Do something remarkable to self.
5) Appreciate things around me.

itu sahaja. sekian. :p