cup of coffee

Could things be more worse than now?

2011-10-02T20:02:00.001-07:00

The answer is simple, YES.
Yes, things can be more worse than what they are now in so many ways.
One of it was knowing your dad doesn't wants to come to your convocation day.
Frustrating, yes.
Maddening, yes.
Troublesome, yes.

My life is upside down, Absolute YES.

Things could be worse, but I will not give up.

:)

dah habis dah meroyan kau?

2011-09-28T23:19:00.000-07:00

Haish.

Malu aku dengan diri sendirik. hah tahu pun kan.
Sesal dahulu pendapatan, sesal meroyan tiada gunanyeewww.

Semalam, hari yang meroyan. Pergi keje tak bermekap. Ha'ah, kalau kulit muke licin bak telur rebus org kawin yang dikupas tak mengapalah juga. Ini? Nan hadooooo. Habis semua students lepas sorg sorg tanye, Miss, kenapa tak pakai eyeliner harini Miss. Ah sibuk lah kau. **padahal malu. Nampak sangat bergantung harap dgn eyeliner tebal nk bg mate kurang sepet. Cehhh **

Untunglah..... ada tunang yang tak makan royan. Kut aku dapat jenis yang hambik hati ke, hambik serius ke ape2 yg aku cakap, dah sudahhhhh. Makin meroyan lah gamaknya.

Jadi, tamatlah episod meroyanku yang disudahi dengan tundingan jari ke arah PMS.
Biasalah, takkan aku emo tak memasalkan? Sila salahkan PMS ye kawan2. Har har har

**dasar tak terima kesalahan sendirik**

Nota untuk aku:
Bye Cikpah. Jangan kau meroyan lagi.

repekan yang tidak berasas.

2011-09-27T21:15:00.000-07:00

Haish.

Pening lagi memeningkan. Sedih lagi menyedihkan.
Celaru bukan?

For some reasons I know not acceptable at all, I feel so demoralized. I have been living my live so melancholy I know I should be punished. I always believe that life is like a roller coaster. This period of time, mine was at the very bottom of the track. Everything is going drastically down. I hate this.

I should wake up and slap myself.
I should scream to make sure I don't waste any tear.
I should stop and just stare at the wonder life can offer.
I should stand up like I always do.
I should do justice to myself, and to others too.

I want to stop being like this.
I despise the fact that I do not have control over my own emotions.
And I hate to blame the bloody hormones for messing up with my moods.
I should, and I ought to be in control.
Damn you, PMS.

I hope by writing these rants, I could let it go. I could stop thinking and let it pass me by.
Being a vocal person has its edge. This is my disadvantage; I can't keep things to myself. I have to make my point clear and my stand heard. Selfish. Self-centered. That's me that I know..

THE TOP 5 REASONS WHY I FEEL SO MISERABLE.

5. I HAVE TURNED 23 AND ITS AWFUL.

Stupid like I was, I have let this became one of the factor to affect my day(s). I am so used to attention and lots and lots of pampers, this year it felt so empty. Why? Because it was empty. I feel it that way. I know this view of mine will hurt and offend some people but sorry, this is again, what I feel. I feel insignificant. I feel like I don't worth your attention anymore. I don't worth to be remembered. Silly me. But, its what i felt. I don't need this insecurity issues on the top of my long-list problems.

Could you help to make my day a little bit easier? **emotional queen thus enters the stage**

4. UNFINISHED BUSINESS.

I HATE YOU WHOEVER THAT HAS ILLEGALLY LEAKED OUT THE MIDNIGHT SUN'S DRAFT, BROKE STEPHANIE MEYER'S HEART AND THUS MAKING THE COMPLETION OF THE BOOK ~~ALMOST~~ IMPOSSIBLE. Could you do something more worse that this brutal torture you have inflicted on me? A sudden stop after a very nice journey is indeed not a pleasant thing. I know I'm taking my risk to read made-known unfinished story but .......... ergh it is unbearable for me to feel sad. Extremely sad. To know Edward from Bella's and Jacob's perspective is one thing. I thank Stephanie for inventing Edward and introduce him to my life. But, to know the story from Edward himself is something so special. And having to stop knowing him is ..... is... is just a crime. **Lunatic**

I had actually wrote a letter to Stephanie asking her to continue writing.
Silly silly silly big girl.

Edward, I ~~know~~ feel like you really exists. If you do, please read my loud mental voice and search for me. Or leave me your contact number, at least. **double lunatic. Moron**

3. TRAGEDIES AND COMEDIES.

I had too much consumption of tragedy that it has turned out to be somehow a comedy to me. Not in humorous way, of course. One after another, back to back. For each and every tragedy I have to face it up front, stand still and survive. I am human, mortal, with all qualities that made me vulnerable.

I feel like nothing can make this more worse, as it so worse already. At this specific time, I need a helping hand, and sometimes I feel like the hand has already tired helping me.
I feel left out. I feel insignificant.

I always build my strength by absorbing it from people around me. I survive because of you, you and you. I have the courage and motivation from you. From my loved ones. But how could I borrow some of yours, when I know it is not even being offered.

You will definitely say that I misinterpreted the action, I misunderstand the situation. Again, this is what I feel. I feel left out. I feel insignificant.

**insecure kid**

2. WEDDING PANIC/STRESS/ALLTHEUNNECESSARYFEELING.

My wedding day is only 4 months away. 4 months. With the current running speed that Mr. Time has been doing now, 4 months are not that 'away'. Its just around the corner. And with that short time, there are lots of things remain not started yet.

Not started yet is one thing. Wanted to start but have to cancel/postpone/alter because have to give way to other plan is wholly another thing. It is upsetting. If we have medicine specially designed to cure upset stomach, is there any remedy for an upset heart?

Sometimes (especially at this very moment, affected by this bloody-i-hate-you PMS) I feel so tired just to stay positive. I seriously thinking or retreating. I want to retreat. But I know I can't.
I know I will regret thinking this way one day.

I am hating myself for even thinking to give up. But I feel like giving up. When I think about the reasons why I feel like quitting, the tendency to give up becoming more potent.. because I feel left out. I feel insignificant.

1. BEFORE YOU RUIN MY DAY (again), COULD YOU PLEASE FIND ANOTHER DAY TO PISS ME OFF, MR/MS MISERABLE?

Its like all of the bad things with the extreme possibilities to sway my mood easily had have to happen now. As in NOW. Its like some force has instructed all of them to attack me all at once, its now or never. Hurry, put that girl in misery!! hah, camtu lah. Sedih aku, Maria.

I have consumed too much tragedies, too much pain, too much sadness I have no more energy left to fight.

You'd say I have you. But this time, I don't want to try to see.
I will not be looking for your helping hand.
I will not be deriving my strength from you.
I will not try to stand.
I will not try to suppress this feeling.
I am sad.
I feel left out.
I feel insignificant.

At the beginning, I thought by saying it (not so out loud, due to its written form), I would feel better. But now, as I'm about to finish, I feel more sad. Indeed not a wise thing to do now. The hormones have succeeded in playing with my emotions, double up every single ounce of feeling that I felt now.

Sorry that I hurt you by being hurt like this.
Sorry that I behave in such a way you don't think its my character.
Sorry that I feel this way and how my way has made you feel bad.

NOTE TO SELF.
you will get over this, like you always did. i do believe in you.
you and your capability to heal.
make me proud by proving me right.
**wink**

penunggu malam.

2010-06-03T23:00:00.000-07:00

Saya sah seorang hantu. Eh tak, sy nak ckp sy sah seekor burung hantu. Eh bukan juga. Sy mane ada ekor.jadi…ayat yg betulnya ialah: Sy seorang burung hantu. Sy seorang orang tapi dlm masa yg sama sy memiliki perwatakan yg agak similar dgn burung hantu. Ye, betul tu. Sy tak main2. Kenapa? Sbb sekarang jam kat laptop sy yg super accurate ni menunjukkan pukul 4.06 pagi waktu tempatan dan TADAAAA… sy masih belum tidur. Huhu sudah beberapa minggu begini. Sy pun tak pasti kenapa. Mata cuma tidak mahu lelap.. tak mengapalah.. mari buat karangan ringkas mengenai apa yg terjadi pada hari ini. Sy mahu submit pada lecturer, mana tahu boleh tambah markah aktiviti luar kelas ke. (as if such thing does exist. ) hmm. Sy mulakan hari dgn sarapan dan kemudian sy telah membuat penipuan kecil-kecilan untuk memancing Kak N menemani sy ke bangunan KAED. Bukan apa, kak N bakal mendirikan rumah yg belum tentu ada tangga tidak lama lagi. Jadi sy berhasrat untuk melontarkan sebuah parti orang2 bujang khas untuk beliau. Dan tujuan sy ke KAED yg bagi sy merupakan sebuah bangunan yg misteri adalah untuk bertemu dengan rakan2 Kak N yg sama2 menjayakan rancangan bernas sy ini. Segalanya berjalan dgn lancar walaupun kak N sebenarnya tak rasa tertipu dan surprise langsung dgn kejutan yg sy buat. Ceh. Takde feeling betul. Mungkin ini mmg sindrom asas pra-perkahwinan kot. Kemudian kami ke café untuk mengisi masa lapang dan mungkin juga boleh mengisi kantung usus yg telah kosong.. Perut tak la minta diisi tapi sy sgt2 la inginkn tembikai laici yg lazat. Jadi tanpa segan silu sy pun order la…makcik café tu dah wat muke pelik. Sy pun lagi la pelik. Apakah yg pelik sgt dgn air yg sy baru order itu? Sy pelik makcik tu wat muke pelik seolah2 air tembikai laici sgt pelik dan anih lagi janggal. “ maaflah dik.kami jual air biasa je.tembikai2 ni takde” Ooooo… I see! Lantas sy pun tukar untuk minum air “biasa” yakni segelas milo es. Huuu tanpa sy sedari, sy telah secara tidak langsung menyentuh sensitivity makcik itu yg hanya menjual air biasa.seolah2 air tembikai merupakan air minuman yg exotic dan bukan tergolong dlm ketegori Aku Wanita Biasa – Kris Dayanti. Selepas penat dibuli oleh kakak2 yg kijam itu sy pun ke kelas yg super lama. Aiya….3 jam non stop meh. Kalah org main Farmville kat facebook tu pun tak selame ini. punye la lame kelas….tak tau nk wat ape dah selain dengar je la ape cikgu ckp. Iskkk lepas kelas sy terus pulang dan kemudian makan malam dan kemudian ke klinik berjumpa doctor. Ye la… takkan g klinik beli ikan pulak kan.. hmm apa sakit sy? Tak…sy takla jumpe doctor sbb sy sakit hati. Tapi ade kaitan la dgn anggota tubuh badan. Ape? E-A-R. masalah sy berkaitan dengan sepasang telinga yg bukan capang tetapi comey2 manje gitu. sy asik dengar bunyi mcm mane ek, mcm kalau kite bakar lalang kering kn, pastu api tu mcm membakar dlm diam gitu. Senyap, pilu tapi terbakar. Bunyi cip cip cip..eh dah mcm bunyi ank ayam la plak kan. Argh tak kesah la. Asalkan sy rs pelik. Sebenarnya, rongga dalaman telinga sy telah membengkak bak kate puan dokter.. Sy tak la tau apakah nama saintifik untuk perkara ini tapi ni la yg sy paham.Oh mengapa terjadi? Sebab, sy mempunyai tabiat yg sengal. Sy sgt suka korek telinga. Kalau anda mengenali seseorang yg pekak sbb dia malas nk korek telinga, sy terbalik. Ooo baru sy tau mane la kite boleh bersihkan telinga tu hari2. sy ingt selagi ada kotoran kuning2 langsat kat cottonbud tu makne nye telinga sy kotor la. Dah name pun tahi telinga kan..jd dgn logic nye sy pun bersihkan...oleh kerana itu, sy telah berjaya di cas sebanyak RM85.00 oleh tuan punya klinik. ha? Sbb korek telinga hari2 pun kene bayar byk ni? Boleh tgk citer Shrek 4 – happily ever after 5x kot! Selamat la company abah keje yg bayarkan. Hehe maaf lah ye..lain kali tak buat dah ~ sy janji pas ni sy malaskn diri nak wat rutin ni. Kalau tak boleh jugak mungkin sy boleh offer diri untuk besihkan telinga org yg berlainan setiap hari. Tapi, pikir kali ke-2, arghhh. Geli kot. Tak mau la dah. Baik sy main scrabble. Boleh juga menjana minda. Ok la nak hentikan repekan yg mengarut ni, tata.

what becomes us?

2010-04-15T08:55:00.000-07:00

what are you?
what are you when the door is closing in.
you can't hide from your own feeling.
what are you when the wall you built is crumbling down?
can you even holding on?
what are you when there is nothing to pretend?
nothing to be kept in silence and nothing to be ashamed.
there is nothing like perfectly perfect.
there is no such thing as in no defect.
i need no hero to save me.
i need no Hulk to lift me up.
i need no superman to make me fly.
i need a man.
a real one.

stop being a perfect guy and start being a human, for me.
feel free to be you.

lots of <3.

sunday morning

2010-02-27T15:48:00.000-08:00

the clock shows 7.05 in the morning and here I am, with eyes wide open staring at the monitor. i just had my caffeinated drink and ready to rock. wuhuuuuu ~ today is Sunday and it suppose to be the day to laze around but, for a student who have a bucket full of assignments like me, i shall have no attempt to be lazy at all. never mind facebook-ing and blogging. hehe (im exaggerating now) currently I'm working my best to finish up two major assignments ( which were actually my only assignments for the whole semester. wow, i just realized that now but why on earth both two aren't done yet?) I feel kinda empty this weekend. my roommates had gone for a camping at Tanjung Malim for three days and the fact that some of them are not used to the extremeness of camping before, I am 'lil bit worried for them. but they'll be fine. they're doing just good, i know that. I used to be addicted to camps during my teenage days. i still remember how Abah had warned me to choose, whether to be a girly girl or change my gender. hahaha now, Abah has no need to be worry at all, due to certain reasons I stop myself for the outdoor kind of activities.being covered under the roof all the time, no extreme training, no marching with the sun directly boils my brain, no sunburn, no M16. Its funny to think that i used to be doing that. (and I'm pretty good at it)
last Tuesday we were having Pre-registration day for the next semester and its weird. its totally so weird to think that my friends and I are actually going to be the 4th year students. Final Year students! oh I wonder how it feels like when there is no semester left. no more classes. no boring lectures (and super good ones like Dr. Kopanski's class). Indeed, I'll be missing Dr. Kopanski's non stop talking and random facts about animals. i love his addiction to maps and his love to history.Historia Magistra Vitae Est! he had influenced my in certain ways also. I'll be that rocking historian just like you , sir. one fine day I'll be one...just like you. okay. now i am sooooo excited to finish up my Plato-Aristotle assignments. hope the time will be nice and mowing slowly for me today.
things to be done :
assignments - Plato vs Aristotle
NATO and its role during post Cold War.
get ready for final. (start on 23th March)
(why suddenly I can't think of anything that I need to pay my attention to ? I feel like I have tons of must-do thingy and this is all that I can come out with... *sigh*~~

note to self :
stop drink coffee.
you had too much until the caffeine does not make you caffeinated anymore.

loves.... <3

repekan seorang syahifa.

2010-01-12T08:07:00.000-08:00

huargh lame sgt dah x berblog. rase nye mmg syahifa dan teknologi tidak dapat berjalan seiringan dan berpimpin tangan. masih lagi menulis diari di dalam buku seperti waktu dahulu. huhuhu habit yang sangatlah tak dapat dikikis. herm... banyak benda yang jadi kebelakangan ni tapi susah untuk diringkaskan dalam satu perenggan. mungkin perlu menjadi pencuri masa yang sejati barulah terlaksana impian murni itu. angah dah kahwin! dah lama sgt sebenarnya tapi tak sempat nak cerita. nanti2 lah, bila cuti boleh tulis lebih sikit. sem baru, tahun baru..... banyak azam yang perlu dipastikan tercapai..sedar tak sedar dah nak mula midterm exam pun....huhu perjalanan sebagai student yang semakin hampir ke garisan penamat. tak tahu apa sebabnya, malam ni macam melankolik sedikit. mungkin effect dari kelas Dr. Kopanski tadi..meluap2 rasa nak sambung Masters di bumi Eropah. (macam ayat dalam novel plak) ngehehe :D kegilaan terhadap peta dunia juga makin kronik. tapi kegilaan ini berhasil apabila dianugerahkan 2 markah tambahan kerana mempunyai koleksi peta yang banyak dan cantik. (thanks to mr. iqbal) tapi ironinya, masih juga gagal mengesan koordinasi jalan di sejkitar gombak dan lembah klang. huuuu mengapalah susah sgt nak hafal jalan yang dah beribu kali lalu?
esok ada kuiz international relations, jadi tidak boleh membebel panjang. harus pulang dan study. sebelum pergi, mahu senaraikan azam tahun baru (harap2 belum tersangat lambat untuk buat begini)

SELAMAT DATANG 2010 :

1) Dean's List. 3.5 and above.
2) Lose weight, gain flat stomach.
3) Savings.
4) Do something remarkable to self.
5) Appreciate things around me.

itu sahaja. sekian. :p

2009-12-28T23:19:00.000-08:00

whoa it feels like ages i didnt touch the keyboard and write nonsense in here. suddenly i feel like losing my greatest skill of whining about the day and every little tiny miny things that actually doesnt matter.at my shock, my fingers just stay numb when they suppose to run the light speed to type anything that cross my mind at this moment. but, nothing yet to cross my mind and here i am, typing nonsense, again. (as i always do) hehe. life has been so hectic and packed lately. i have to keep the balance between my busy classes, ups and downs in love , and the what-friends-usually-do-at-the-beginning-of-semester things, family matters and also the weddings. yes, the awesome wedding ceremony. argh, i have to go. my friends keep calling me to have some chat over the nescafe. hate when i have to stop when i already in the mood for writing. nevertheless, im going to post this still because i already spent some amount of my precious time thinking about what to type. :p

.saya sedih.

2009-12-15T06:57:00.000-08:00

nur syahifa just had a very wonderful day. i was awaken by my lovely roomate to find out that i was already late for my arabic class and i had no other choice than to let myself skip the class. i hate missing the class when i have no intention to do so. but anyhow i had made time to prepare myself breakfast and it was a good start tho. after all the crazy classes which at my shock, entertained and kept me awake. thanks goes to the boring lectures that made me ponder about stuff. my mind fled to various times as well as places while i was trying to see the logic behind the words uttered from my lecturer's small mouth, the time in between my attempts to find the point of his long and almost no pause statements and also during the total silence of the class. that was other things by the way. the hecticness of my classes continue up till 10pm and when i was walking home, the rain shows me some mercy by pouring me his tears. wonderful.i was tired, exhausted and wet. to make things even better i left my keys in my room and no one happens to be inside. again, wonderful day i just had. i am here in a cyber cafe when all i wanted were a cup of hot milo and the warmth of my bed. huhu so, this is one of my wonderful day,i shall declare. :)

humpty dumpty had a fall

2009-11-26T05:48:00.000-08:00

ooooooooooooooooh dear.i fall in love again. yes, again and again for the same person. i wonder how it happen. i tot that i already fall in love with him from the moment we've chatted, but then i realized he really did took my heart away when we were spending quality times together (but apparently every time is a quality one for us) , and he melted me when i knew him better. but then it was this day i really really really fall for him when he gave me the Lilies. at the moment he looked directly at my eyes. wait, the day we had the deeper conversation. the time we sang together. oh it was countless. i don't know how many times i had already fall for this charming man but what i was certain about is it doesn't hurt at all. i kinda like the "falling". for u mister, thanks a million for fixing me. ich liber dich.

bla bla bla.

2009-11-25T06:14:00.000-08:00

adik dah pulang. hua balik2 terus membuli. sabar je lah. baik pun kejap je. peluk2 sayang2 pastuh mula la perangai nakal dia tuh. xboleh duduk diam langsung. tarik rambut lah. cuit kaki lah. main geletek lah. haiii mmg jelas lagi nyata adik kakak ni dah balik. so far dia lepas semua stages. alhamdulillah. mintak2 la dia dapat. aminn bukan ape, kalau nanti dia masuk asrama tenteram sket. (tapi bosan banyak, time tu la baru tau erti kebosanan-duduk-sorang) ~ harini hari yang sangat la emosi. alahai ~~ letih dengan diri sendiri. tapi memang sangat la xtahu nak buat mcm mana. sabar jelah. dan..... esok balik kampung! yeaaaa lame dah xjumpa mak. ehe pelik kan? org panggil nenek tapi ni panggil mak pulak. bila pulak jadi adik beradik ngn mama sendiri. ntah la, terbiasa. mase kecit dulu, mama kate anak perempuan dia ni sgt la suke imitate ape org ckp. dengar mokcik2 panggil nenek mak, ape lagi juin la sekali. makngah jadi mummy. ngeeee ~ ape punye perangai daa. dah la umur baru setahun lebih dah mencecey. jadi jangan hairan la dengan bakat baercakap yang boleh mengatasi had lebuhraya ni. kalau ade speeking speed trap, mmg tertangkap la. training dari kecik ni. nak imbas mase kecik2 memang banyak. nakal ya amat mama kate. kalau orang lain ingat anak sorang perempuan mesti kene buli, mama cakap apa? no no no.tidak. xlahhh..xde can orang nak buli. dia buli balik. haha macho okay...tomboy kampung pisang ni. panjat pokok, main gasing, guli, tepuk daun terup.. semua la yang lelaki punya juin sekali. layang2 pun main taw.. :p dulu fesyen favorite baju paling besa ala2 Bob Lokman nye saiz dengan baggy short. tak masuk dengan cap lagi. kira dah paling smart la tu. xsedar buruk ghope nye pempuan gitu. hehe bile dah besar sket baru la reti nak jadi ladylike. dan ketika itu baru la ati mama tenteram, anak nye ini tak merana krisis jantina. dan tak segan lagi nak tayang anak dia depan kawan2. hahahaha 1st time pakai make up : time matrix. umur 18. thanks to watie yang sanggup bangun pagi semate2 nak jadi mak andam. to fiedza as well (",)(skg ni mama pening pulak, asyik nak beli barang make up je keje :p gasak la. dulu nak sangat kan...) kedang2 terfikir, ape la perasaan ade kakak or adik perempuan. best x? ke lagi best sorang? huhu mesti botak kepala abah. dua anak perempuan, dua kandang lembu la susah nye eh? ( dulu pernah menangis, abah same kan jage anak pompuan sorang lagi payah dari jaga sekandang lembu. sape xsedih, ni yang comel ni disame kan dengan lembu kot? bukan seekor tapi sekandang pulak tuuuu..huahua nampak sangat lemah peribahasa :p ) mama plak, xpayah bayang kan, ma sendiri dah penah cakap. kalau ma ade dua anak perempuan, memang jatuh muflis. tudung, baju, kasut, henbag, macam2 la lagi sume nak double. isk isk high maintenance betul anak gadis ni. woot wooot, nak dengar lagu la plak. tengah addicted kat lagu BEP, ~~meet me halfway~~. pastuh main sudoku. dah sampai level 5. EXPERT stage okay...bangga diri betul! chet.

come home, my hero.

2009-11-24T02:36:00.000-08:00

adik, cepat lah balik. bosan la xde orang teman kakak kat umah. kakak masak pun xde orang makan ha. umah pun langsung xsepah ni. hehe :p saya sangat bosan tinggal sorang di rumah. adik pergi interview untuk masuk RMC. nak sangat dah nak jadi askar. tapi takpe la. memang ni dah minat dia. tapi macam tak berapa setuju bile adik cakap nak jadi pilot. tak tak tak. saya sangat tak rela dua2 adik nak jadi pilot.cukup lah sorang. korang ni memang dah pakat ke nak tinggalkan kakak kat bawah ha? cukup2 la tu. korang memang dah lagi tinggiii dari kakak pun. tak payah nak terbang pulak. okay? hehe. --- nukilan kakak yang rindukan adiknye yang busuk lagi macham. ---- (lagi sorang heroku yg jauh di sana) (adik & kakak)

today, yesterday and tomorrow.

2009-11-23T04:58:00.000-08:00

huargh am in really great need of new novels. had finished reading Thanks For the Memories(at last!hehe) and now i'm stuck at home being gnirob (read it backward). my other novels are with my friends. i lend it all to them. huhu i don't think i can go and shop for the new one since there's restriction on budget. my bro is getting married so the spotlight in on him now. never mind. i can wait. but!!! oh no. i just remembered nad had promised me to lend her collection of twilight. have to wait until the new semester begins. huaaa T.T" i should remind her looong before the vacation. hmm :( today, beside my daily routine with the house chores, i did almost nothing. i keep on changing the channel and nothing was fun. i wonder why some people can be glued on the monitor when i found no attractive program available. perhaps i look at the wrong time, wrong section after all. yesterday.. was a blast. we went for a picnic despite the cloudy weather. the good thing, i don't have to wear shade!hehu ~ everything was perfect and we really had good time together. it's been awhile we don't see and talk like that much. yesterday also remind me of our first met. so much things to say, so little time. and plenty of foooods. i wish the day will never ends. (lovey dovey! haha back to earth efa...to earth) :p tomorrow, i don't have any plan in mind. maybe i can try to cook new thing. or surf until i drop my head somewhere. or solve sudoku until the pen running out of ink and i get headache. superb day ahead. can sense that! i sound so pathetic. i know. :) hope some miracle happen and i will be in this boringness no more. (",)

awak. muka. padan. :p

2009-11-20T22:27:00.000-08:00

padan muka awak. kan dah kena marah. maaflah, saya tak sengaja. tiba2 aje angin naik kepala. saya marah awak sebab awak baik sangat. saya marah awak sebab awak tak reti penat. saya marah awak supaya awak ingat, tak semua benda kita boleh buat. saya tahu awak akan kata, yes we can't do everything but at least we can try to.. kan? saya tahu awak berbeza. saya tahu awak tak sama. dengan orang lain, dengan mereka semua. tapi, tolonglah. make time for yourself. there are just so many many things that i know you wish you can spare some times to do it. tell me when was the last time you update your blog? the last time you did nothing but watching your fav play? the last time you hang up with buddies the last time you had leisure walk the last time you had sound and deep sleep the last phone call you made to home. ~(the list goes on) saya marah awak sebab awak mengingatkan saya kepada diri sendiri. kita sama. saya harap saya bakal dimarah bila saya pun begini. 143.

someone-not-me

2009-11-20T21:23:00.001-08:00

i know this is wrong. i know it all along. i know i am not suppose to feel this way, let alone to write it down. even the thought should never cross my mind but i just can't keep it inside. not anymore. right now i am all fired up. i can feel everything in this house become so quite and the tense is floating in the air, filling up the atmosphere. he is the one who bring along the tension with him. yesterday was the beginning of this drama. yesterday was the first day i saw him in the house before the midnite since i began my holiday. but that's not the story. when he started to nag about things he shouldn't be, to be cynical over stuff he pretended he cared for, spilled his unreasonable anger at my baby brother, that's the time he hit my boiling point. i hated for acting and feeling this way. i know i am not suppose to be like this. but blame the hard times he has put me in. for all the misery he had placed me to live with. for all the hatred he had succeed to make me feel.i always, always has a soft way when dealing with the elders. but when it comes to him,i know i am the lousiest child. dear god, please take all this hatred away. it don't feel right for me. how can i feel this to someone like him? i can't change the fact, but at least please change my heart. vanish all the memories that are stuck here in my mind. please.. For goodness sake, I have try my very bestest to make the situation less complicated. Indeed I’ve tried to look at him with new look, not being judgmental again but i can hold on no more. i can't wait to fly away, take my mama and my lil brothers with me. i promised them i'll do everything within my capacity for their happiness. they deserve to be like others. they should never feel deserted nor left behind. i am here, for them. when i look around me, i see lovely faces. when i look at my friends' family i feel touched. why am i different? i know i should be thankful, but can i ask, why does it happening to us? i still remember my childhood days, when i used to be by his side. i slept with him every night because i feel afraid when the lights turned off. how can someone so dear can turn into something like this? i need to change, but someone please tell me why. give me one solid reason for this action. rationale me. i know this is wrong.i am wrong because it don't feel so good. i feel like i am someone else. indeed this is not me. syahifa ain't anything like this. urghhh :(

rainbows after the rain

2009-11-18T03:02:00.000-08:00

often in this short life we encounter with tests and troubles. it can take place randomly and squeeze into our life as it wish, anywhere possible at any given time. sometimes it arrives at the most unpredictable moment and place!the time we least expect any trouble to come, destiny had chose that exact moment to deliver the "parcel" for us to unfold and deal with. sometimes the fate just change its mind in a second and destiny become so cruel in just a glance (as what we do think).a yes, thing happens for a reason. its very well said. the tears and cries happen in everyone's life. its just a matter of time and reason behind it that differ. what we have to do is to think positively and take all the time we need to grieve. shout it out loud. cry. share your sadness with others.your regrets. the frustration. the pain. the hurt. but don't forget to make a stop. endure and live the life. i know it sounds so easy and nice in words but to make it working is a very damn hard thing. but do we have another option rather than to struggle to be back on our feet and kick our royal butt out from the mess? oh yes. we do have the option to stay forever in the misery and stop living.so choose.which one is better. if we have a broken heart, don't throw the heart away. even its broken, yet still working. we just need a very very very powerful glue to mend it again. no one says it can be done in a day. no.plenty of time required for this purpose and time is all what we need. slowly put the pieces back to it's place. put it all together to the place it belongs, into you. to keep our mind with the bright side all the, it is recommended to just think that God must have a very strong and valid reason why the people of your past didn't make it to your future. who knows the departure of Mr. Wrong is the arrival of Mr. Right. i read this somewhere in a novel. hehe. make yourself fully occupied with interesting activities. the one you never try but deep inside you had wished you make some time to do it. chase your dreams. you have all your time, energy, attention etc etc all to yourself. when we're in the love scene, we tend to give more attention and make excuses for the one we love more than what we pay to ourselves. so, utilize all the space and time we have to pamper the body, to treat the mind and go for fun stuff. don't forget the therapies session. (who talk about seeing psychologist? what i mean is fooooood therapy. shop therapy. chocolate therapy...(whooaa i even get excited typing this.) often also, we receive condolences and advices from whose dear and near. be patient. calm down. stop crying baby (your eyes look like Panda Bear already). you're just being tested with heavy rains. wait for a while because when it stops, you will get a very beautiful rainbows. i heard this version of words of wisdom and uplifting once when i was in really gloomy and teary day. this was the very sentence that made me alive again. thus, i wait in hope for the cloud to dried out, finish all the water it had contained for ages and for my beautiful rainbows to appear. yes, happy ending doesn't only exist in fairy tales. it happens in reality as well. now, i am so happy living my life on the top of the rainbow and walking away from the past. why rainbow? now this question keep on bouncing back and forth in my pretty little head. enough to occupy the space available for random thoughts and made me writing this. perhaps people been using it as a metaphor because of its beauty and matter of factly,its real. easy to relate to our everyday lives. rainbows can happen as long as there is sunlight and water droplets. it can be because of the rain, droplets from fountain, water spray, or even on the wave of the ocean. see, happiness also can happen anywhere, even in the place you least expect it to be! (likewise the trouble)so, cheer up and hold on for the rain to stop, for the sun to shine and for the awesome rainbows to make its grand entrance into your life!!! life is short, be alive while you're still ALIVE. don't ever ever let anyone to stop you from enjoying your time and be happy.its something that no one have the right to take it away from you. if someone wants to turn his/her direction from you and walk away, it is HIS/HER lost! not yours. if you're just too scared to delete all the sweet memories you had had in the past, just keep it our brain is designed to keep things. but don't afraid to make new ones! cheer!

hari yang lucu.

2009-11-15T08:03:00.000-08:00

hari ini hari ahad.bukan hari isnin mahupun rabu. dan hari ini juga hari yang tenang lagi senang. mengapa? kerana musim peperiksaan sudah pun habis melanda pantai mindaku yang sudah haru dan sedikit biru.hehe enough with repekan. hurmmm. sebenarnya ada cerita yang agak suam2 menariknya berlaku siang tadi. itu yang macam tiada esok aku manaip. hari ini, atau lebih tepat pada pukul 5petang waktu tempatan, roomate ku yang tersayang baru saja habis 2 kertas periksa yang agak sukar. jadi aku bercadang mahu makan malam bersama dan bersiar2 membawa mereka menenangkan fikiran. memangla bukan aku yang bawa, lesen kereta pun tiada tapi yang penting niat murni yang terdetik di kepala. jadi, aku pun membatalkan niat mahu pulang ke rumah dan melekat kepada idea utama. apa idea nya? aku mahu bawak roomate ku yang berdua ini ke Look- out point di ampang. melihat2 kotaraya KL. si E (mmg nama sebenar) ni name saje budak Kl, naik atas ni aku confirm sangat xpenah. hehe jahat~ sunguh nak bawak dia tengok sendiri. biar nanti kalau orang tnaya dia boleh jawab, ehhhhhh E*** penh naik tuuuu. ngeee :) nak dijadikan cerita, si E sudah janji la sama mak abah dan adik beliau mahu keluar makan. jadi memang xdapat lah nak proceed plan asal tu. tapi dah alang2 aku tunda balik rumah dan xpergi makan cempedak goreng dengan buah hati, aku ingat jadi la nak makan dengan cik N dan cik P. sekali, tungu punya tunggu. aku tunggu lagi. dan tunggu. jawapan yang aku terima : makan kat dalam je lah. P** nak makan chicken chop. ketika itu, tekalah perasaan ini bagaimana....... huuuuu terasa kehalusan dan kenipisan hati ii terserlah. memang sungguh aku terasa!!!jadi aku pun terus bersiap. lantak la. hati dah panas. niat aku suci lagi murni depa buat lagu ni. (huh tiba2 je slang tukar. ngee) air mata dah mcm kat hujung2 mata je.... memang dah nak keluar la. ni lah masalah aku yang paling besar. sungguh tidak macho. asal naik je paras marah air mata pun standy by jugak nak keluar. kot ye pun sabar2 la kejap kan. bagi la keluar muka garang yang ala2 singa dulu ke. huhu pastuh, maybe aura lu-bikin-hati-wa-panassss itu sudah meluap2 ke bilik yang lain. aku pun hairan. aku diam je pandang cermin. takkan la kot dalam hati ni ada built in speaker, jadi orang boleh dengar apa aku kata.tahu2 E dan N sudah ada. aku diam lagi. tapi mungkin muka sudah terbakar dek marahnya hati.N bertanya, Fa marah ke? aku dengan kalawan hati yang seboleh mungkin menjawap, fa memang xtunggu dari petang tadi.dan tidak semena-mena, cik N terus menagis sambil berkata, ni nak nangis niiii...huaaa terus hati ku cair dan memujuk beliau (ceh, aku kot yang tengah merajuk)apa nak buat, dah memang hati aku selembut baldu (perasan2) yang pasti ketika itu aku memang blur. ada banyak persoalan dalam kepala. 1) kenapa N menagis?dia terasa ke sebab aku terasa? 2) apa pasal aku plak nak emo terasa2. macam remeh sangat je hal nie. (ketika menulis ni pun, aku still rasa benda ni kecik sangat untuk ditangis dan menangiskan)huhuhu dan kesimpulan nya, hambikkkk....dengan mak abah adik cik E makan sama2 dengan kami. selama 4 tahun perkenalan dengan cik E, ni lah 1st time ever kami makan semeja dengan famili dia. rekod ni. dan yang paling lawak nya, cik N lah. dia ni, pembuli jalanan. muka tak makan saman. kanak2 yang takde perasaan. semualah sifat2 yang terpuji tak hingat ni dia punya. sekali meleleh air mata. macam sedih bebenor saja. terus bengkak mata. aishhhh. cik P : nape ko nangis tadi N** ? cik N : yela. sedih sangat. efa marah aku kot. dye mane penah marah. oh. inilah sebab nya. rasa bangga. aku boleh marah!!!! :P sekian. tamat.

3 in the morning. (sudden tribute for history)

2009-11-11T10:42:00.000-08:00

la la la la . i am still awake, my eyes are as big as the moon and the clock is ticking so loud telling me i should get some rest. shhh. u dont have to tell me when i should get some rest cos when im resting, no one can tell me to get back to work again. there is never some rest. its always REST and REST only. time for absolute pampers :p i cant shut my eyes in peace.why? because ive drank a glass of two sachets of nescafe. i am so caffeinated now. who needs sleep when reality is better than dream, by the way? hahaha so melampau! actually the real reason behind this drama is i have to read all the information as much as possible about this Germany historian to make sure i have something to write on my answer script on the day of persecution and torture of the fingers (err i mean, the examination day.) at this very moment, i declare myself as the biggest hardcore fan of Leopold von Renke. hehe am still working on to comprehend his whole-life workss.......pheww. i wonder if i can be at least close to something like him. to have the passion in history like he does, to be so eager in discovering the stories, to be lost inside thousands of tales, to read and whisper the names of people who really truly existed in this real world. i wonder how does it feel to be remembered by the people after your time. for the people we dont even know and meet to be expert of our own stories. to know every single details of our steps, to remember us. even after our time.

perhaps thats the reason why some people rather die in honor just so his / her name will be written in history and remembered forever. because history never dies.it continues with every birth of human race. (erm now i wonder, why suddenly im so excited talking about my study?hehe) history is the story. what we write in here, at this very moment will eventually be the history of ourselves. :) (senyum bangga) we will look back at here one day and laugh over silly things we've said, smile over good times we've shared, send tears in our eyes remembering those who had left, and thankful for all the times we have the chance to stay. our past is not something that will haunt and should be fear of.yesterdays were an opprtunity, for us to learn from the mistake and cherish for the memories.

with that note, i shall leave. love; efabulous p/s: reasons why i love history

i love watching epic movies.- the true story from the past. i hv to give credit to Troy as it has inspired me a lot.(or to brad pitt to be precised. :p )
history requires great reading. i enjoy (addicted is more like it) reading.so we hv something in common here.
we're the product of our past. this notion has been glued in my pretty head for such a long time. in order to know myself, i hv to know my past. simple logic.
people will fall, when they choose not to refer to their previous steps.
to fall in love with history is a gift. only lucky ones get the chance! the world dont need so many historian.let me be the one :)

HISTORIA MAGISTRA VITAE EST!!

saya vs dia.

2009-11-11T03:16:00.000-08:00

saya budak kecil yang comot. tudung masih senget. makan dah tentu bersepah. dia budak besar yang segak rambut tegak terpacak baju langsung tak berkedut selerak. kalau ada masalah.. saya cakap semua yang dalam hati bila lenguh mulut baru berhenti. dia banyak diam dari bercakap tak perlukan mulut dalam berfikir. kalau lapar.. saya takkan makan kalau tak sedap kalau terpaksa pun pasti menangis. dia? semua pun dia ngap takda benda yang tak dikuis. saya.. muka penuh jerawat. lepas satu, satu meletus. dia... mak aihh.licin macam pelekat muka murni lagi kudus.... saya dan dia memang banyak yang berbeza tapi masih banyak juga yang sama pernah tak dia tanya, kenapa Tuhan cipta ruang di antara jemari dia? tentulah untuk saya letakkan jemari saya pula. untuk saya pegang dia sampai hari tua.

my favorite by far..

2009-11-11T00:40:00.000-08:00

still struggling to finish reading this one! the first ahern's novel that i bought. soooooo sweeeeeet!! oone of my ultimate fav! if ure one of those who always lost something, u better read this one. funny explanation to feed ur curiosity. says who boy and girl can be bestfriend?just friend? haha!!! my favorite pass time is reading. i know i sound so nerd here but thats the ugly truth. i love and enjoy reading.for me, its the only place where i can exercise my unlimited imagination. solid reason not to like movies which has been adapted from novels. it often upset my excitement. the story was beyond that (i dont know whether the film was not up to my standard or it was just me. i misunderstood the storyline from the beginning. :p) i don't know the exact moment when i started to develop this kind of habit but as far as i can remember, my mom used to scold me because 'id stay up the whole night reading.haha other moms will be absolutely happy if their children engaged with books but not mama. why? because i spent way too much time reading books but not for my studies. :p here, my all time favorite author together with her unforgivable super duper delicious writings!

the second baby step

2009-11-11T00:00:00.000-08:00

haha...!!i know i took more than a year to post my second entry. i've forgotten my password (silly excuse) and thus it has stopped me from burbling my thoughts and my words in here. by bthe way, whatever my excuses were, i am here now to continue what i have started. a year has passed me by, all the ups and downs in life has made me wiser. :) for my yesterdays, thanks for sparing me some space to share and some lessons to learn.

the first step

2008-05-14T20:34:00.000-07:00

fheww this is the first time i ever had my own blog and now i'm struggling so hard to put my words all together..i never had any desire to create one before simply because i feel my life is my private matter and i love to keep it to me, as i've done for ages. but then, the feeling to write more, to share the sweet and bitter days with others (if anyone ever pass through this) has opened up my heart